As much as I want to tell people, as much as I want to let it all out - I was to stay strong. Or at least look it. Even if I was struggling inside. So many people depend on me to stay strong and independent, and I feel like I'd be letting them down by showing that I'm hurting too.
In the past few days I've been quite "down". Not actually sure how I've felt. Loss in motivation, interest, lack of sleep, lack of confidence/self-worth, spontaneous bouts of emotional breakdowns, irritability, frustration.... oh and enormous amounts of stress. That about sums it up. I just feel slightly overwhelmed with everything at the moment and there are so many factors that contribute. I'm not sure how to fix it or how to get better - but I look to God that he will guide me and I trust that everything will be ok. (I'm still hopeful - good sign right?) I dont say this to get sympathy/pity, but I guess I just wanted to admit that to myself - that I might not be ok right now.
For those who dont know (probably most) I live interstate away from my family for university (Medicine) and away from my bf (long distance since last year). It's been a long couple of years and still a long couple years more. The stress and loneliness is a bitter pill to swallow and sometimes it can be overwhelming. I guess it's just one of those phases that I hope will soon pass; but I guess not anytime soon.
I honestly never saw myself coming down this road... to post such a personal entry on a very public forum. However after reading Shirley's past posts from meek-n-mild (http://www.meek-n-mild.com), it inspired me to come forward, to be brave and to write how I feel.
I've always been keen on documenting my thoughts and feelings - whether on paper or typed out. I used to own a livejournal way back when. And I used this as a refuge - everytime I was unhappy or happy, sad or angry. I would just write it all out. Then once I was done, I'd private the post.
But this time, I think I want to take a step forward and share them with you. I want to make my blog more personal, not just another extension of by beauty/fashion interests - I want it to be a time capsule of my life. WOAH, just calm down there June! (A bit dramatic right?)
So I know not everyone will read this - thank god. But I guess I just wanted to give you an insight into my life and myself; who I am and that not everything is handy-dandy.
Well if you read all of that junk, I commend you. And I appreciate it. I dont even know if I'll end up publishing this or privatising (is that a word?) it after a while... Still not sure. Let me know if you prefer me to remain personal - but I guess you can always scroll past this if you're not interested.
Anyways, have a great rest of your week everybody and I'll go back to finishing my presentation now (which I'm deathly afraid of because I hate public speaking).
xoxo June
Hey June,
ReplyDeleteJust wanted to let you know that everyone has their ups and downs everyone will at a certain point feel sad and broken it's safe to say that no one expects you to be emotionless and robotic. You're a strong girl with strong dreams and some day those will pay off. I can't imagine not having your loved ones close by but you'll always have your subscribers who care for you. I think you're a fantastic girl. "Keep your head up gorgeous, 'cause they'd kill to see you fall."
xoxo,
Lily
Twitter @lilybaybee04
Thank you so much Lily I really appreciate your comments. And you're right I about other people not expecting me to be absolutely unaffected by anything, but I think it's more I that I dont want others to see me insecure or vulnerable. I think whilst attribute this to others, I honestly think that for the most part I think I'm too proud to let others people see me down. Definately something I need to work on but I guess for now I'm so happy to have you guys to share my thoughts and feelings with now :)
Deletexoxo
It's your blog, so I think you should post however you like. As much as I like your fashion/beauty posts, I also like getting a glimpse of your personal life and seeing what you're like outside of Youtube... in a totally non-creepy way, of course ;) I also think that it's extremely brave of you to write about how you're feeling on such a public place as I normally try to refrain from doing so... I really can't picture myself doing it, although I kind of wish I could do so.
ReplyDeletexx Nicole
http://hrznbl.blogspot.com
Thank you so much Nicole. And I admit I had the FULL intention of maintaining this as a professional strictly beauty and fashion only blog. But I figured that I could trust you guys to understand where I come from with what I share, and be supportive. I basically think of you guys as some far away distant friends! haha. Thanks so much for taking the time to read and hopefully you'll be able to grow the courage to share in the same way :) xoxo
DeleteI appreciate your honesty, and I hope you will see yourself out of this dark place soon. With every hardship comes strength. I have had my fair share of difficult times, and every time I get past it, I feel like I've learned and grown because of it. It's nice to see a fashion guru show a real side to them. You become more than just an illusion, but a real person.
ReplyDeletexx,
Jordana
Thank you so much and I really appreciate your support :) I know that things will get better eventually but I guess it's just frustrating for all of this to come out of no where with no real significant cause. I mean everyone gets by alright so I just wonder why I'm handling the situation so poorly. And then this frustrates me even more and then the cycle just continues on. I know that this will pass, I'm optimistic about that, but I just wish it'd be sooner rather than later right? But again, thank you for all your support! :) xoxo
DeleteHi June,
ReplyDeleteFeeling down happens to all of us, especially that you are far away from your loved ones. One thing to help you feel better is to let your mind speak, let your feelings be heard and just express yourself. I think that you are beautiful in every way and posting something like this is bravery. Don't be scared of what people think about this post. All of us have struggles and none of us know anything about what other people go through everyday in their life. Just think always that we will listen and still give you a hug. You inspired us!
xoxo
Mischelle
http://www.quietadreamer.com/
Mischelle, thank you so much this just confirmed what I had hope would come from this post - that there will be people out there somewhere who want to listen to me and just yeh... be a sounding board for my venting basically. So thank you so much for absolutely understanding the point of this blog post, and I'm really so grateful for your kind words <3 xoxo
DeleteHey love, reading this really hit home for me because I felt exactly like this a few weeks ago. I'm still in school (so I must seem quite young to you :P) but amidst a heavy load of exams and personal problems, I couldn't remember feeling so terrible. I can actually relate so much to how you're feeling in terms of being down and just at a low in everything without anything actually being detrimentally wrong. It's a little bit confusing and upsetting but my friend gave me a lovely piece of advice I am determined to keep in my heart. "Ride out the lows." I really hope God lifts your lovely soul and pours a little more light into your world. I'll definitely pray for you!!
ReplyDeleteI understand the admitting thing too! Ah, the list goes on. Anyway, chin up, buttercup. God and life gave me hope and then showed me good after a spell of bad and I sincerely wish the same for you, gorgeous :) xxxx
Wow I think you've literally hit the nail on the head with this one. I feel like you know EXACTLY where I'm coming from! With the low mood even when there's nothing REALLY wrong to the confusion and frustration - hit the nail perfectly! And I'm just really so happy to be able to relate to another person and thank you so much for including me in your prayers. That's more than I could possibly ask for. Thank you so much for your encouraging words - I appreciate every word. I thank God for the opportunities he's given me because it's all of you who have read and commented and supported me who makes yt/blogging so much more worthwhile. Thank you so much! <3 xoxo
DeleteHey sweety :) I think hard times are normal for humans life ... even if we don't want it or do things right , bad things just happend. Life is challenging us ... I'm far from my family too, but they know i love them. I don't have a BF cuz i harder allow someone to yourself :) this is not good from me but i have scared when someone come into my life.
ReplyDeleteIn my bad times and situations I look for God and I know he know what to do to make me more confidence :)
From that you write and film I thing that you are great person and wish you only good things :) I think you help people with you film about beauty cuz you show to us how to be beauty -> confidence :) Here in Bulgaria we said: "Lord delayed but not forgot!"
:) xoxo :) Natalie
Hi lovely June!
ReplyDeleteDon't be too upset because a lot of people have the same feelings as you have. I too can get really really down sometimes, the same as you are, even if there isn't a "real" reason for it. Feeling lonely, frustrated, sad and have the feeling that there is just too much on your plate are emotions that are very common, for a lot of people even if you don’t think so. You just have to learn how to cope with it, that’s the hard part because you just don’t know how.
I’m currently at law school so I completely understand the stress you have. Only in my situation I know that this isn’t the path that I want to be on and often I find myself thinking that I’m losing time. I had quite a rough year behind me feeling quite down on a daily basis, I still have that now and then. However I found a way to make it a bit better. Just by staying positive and trusting the path that has been laid down for me.
I often have friends coming to me for advise and I’m always happy to give it to them. But usually I find myself being a total hypocrite just because I gave them great advise, but I never followed mine. This actually made me see that you are your own best friend. Step back once in a while and look at your own situation. Give yourself the advise that you’ll give to someone else and please do follow it. At the end of the day all you just have to do is to have hope and have the trust in God. Good things always happen to those who wait in patience. All will be fine, and I really really hope that all will be fine in your life!
hey june,
ReplyDeletei have to say even though this isn't a happy post i'm happy to see you opening up, i'm sure a lot of girls out there like me who follow your posts and youtube videos will be glad to know you a little bit more.. i have to say i can really relate to some of the things you wrote. the need to be strong for everybody, the lack of sleep, the bad mood and stress - i've been going through the same things the past few months and i think it's ok to let it out sometims, people who care for you will understand and want to help! trust me.. and also your situation with being away from your family for your education and being independent, i'm going to do the same next year and i can only imagine how hard that must be. but don't give up! you can't have the good without taking the bad. i'm your age and i see you as a role model, not only because of the fashion and makeup, but because of how hard you work for what you want... good luck (:
It sounds cliche but "things happen for a reason". Just keep motivated and always remember that what you're doing will be all worth it in the end. I've been watching your YouTube videos for a very long time and I absolutely love it so keep up the great work. =)
ReplyDeleteI loved reading this! you are never alone in feeling these feelings, It´s a part of being human. I used to feel like this too, but now I feel like I´ve changed my thinking and then It kind of changed my life in all ways. I read this amazing book by Don Miguel Ruiz call the Mastery of love! Don´t know If you´ll ever read it, but If you do, I´m telling you It will change it all!
ReplyDeleteAnyways I love your youtube channel and you are an amazing person blessed with true beauty :)
Much love from the other side of the planet..Norway
God Bless -Liss
I found your blog through your youtube channel. Your videos and blog are great so I had to start following your blog! And for this post; people have those moments but everything will always turn out fine. Sooner or later. :)
ReplyDeleteHey you.
ReplyDeleteFor me personally.. reading this post was kind of relieving..? I'm not really sure how else to word that..? haha anyway, it's relieving because I feel it too. Our situations, however, are quite different. I haven't been able to attend school at all due to lots of problems.. sighh. But the loss of motivation, lack of sleep.. etc.. especially, loneliness and stress. Omgoodness. I feel you.. but you know. I'd like to think that it's God trying to get our attention. 'cos when we're at our lowest.. we have nothing but Him.
And like you, I'm not one to open up and let everything out.. showing weakness to my siblings isn't really a choice. I do vent out occasionally to my friends.. but I realized that I never really vented to God himself.. I always just assumed He knows what's up.. but I was told that God wants you to tell Him everything. Let Him know you are hurting.. you don't have to act strong in front God too.. Haha idk if you'll be able to relate to that one.. but it's very relieving. I'm not saying blame God for what's going on.. Haha just let Him know that you are hurting.. and just pray.. prayer is so so so powerful. OKAY. honestly. Sorry if the transition sucks. Idk if you got anything out of this.. I guess I was kinda too excited that one of my favorite youtubers opened up.. and I was able to relate at such an intimate lvl.. (...i didnt mean to be creepy) and I kinda rambled. there's so much I want to say alsdjlkasd omgoodness. I'm gonna cut this short though.. HAHA okay. if comment made NO sense.. just know that I'm praying for you..
and tbh.. I have a really hard time putting my faith in God. I struggle every single say.. but writing these words of encouragement serves as a reminder for me too. Stay strong and have faith. God is good :)
I'm sorry that you are going through such a rough time, June! I'm out of uni for the summer but I went through a rough time this last semester where I was just feeling down on myself all the time because I started to let all the little things affect me. I honestly hope that you start feeling better and see the light at the end of the tunnel because things will eventually turn out all right! Also I really liked reading a more personal post from you -- it's always nice to be able to connect with someone who I look up to for fashion and beauty advice. You seem so much more relatable and real than a lot of other youtube gurus out there.
ReplyDeleteHey Sweetness,
ReplyDeleteI just read this post and I know you posted it a few weeks ago but I still wanted to remind you of how awesome you are :o) Keep your chin up and keep smiling babes.
Love ya,
Mel xo
I can totally relate with some of the ways that you're feeling, as I'm doing medicine too (in the UK). 'Loss in motivation, interest, lack of sleep, lack of confidence/self-worth, spontaneous bouts of emotional breakdowns, irritability, frustration.' - unfortunately come with the territory but just try and remain strong in God and focus on you. I don't know the whole story, but I guess its quite easy to be really overwhelmed with the crazily high expectations of medicine and the sometimes irritatingly competitive people that come with it! Remember all the hard work and stress will be worth it one day,espically when we can afford those designer handbags lol GOD BLESS HUN! x
ReplyDeleteIf you want ofload, do it! This is yuor blog and your life. You shouldn't write blog for another people, just for yourself. It should make you happy and outlet. I saw you last week and I fell ion love in your youtube blog. You saw me haw I can do a few things. I did ombre hair with your wideo yesterday. Thanks for all and take care! Be youself. xoxoxo
ReplyDeleteHi June,
ReplyDeleteI just wanted to let you know that I've been feeling the same way. I finished my freshman year of college (where I had way too much stress than necessary) a little over a month ago. I never really went home during the year aside from major breaks (like thanksgiving and christmas). On top of challenging courses for engineering and the research I participated in, I also pledged a sorority. After all that I went through to be a part of it, we lost our charter. I felt like everything I had worked for and sacrificed time, sleep, money, and even friends for had been stripped away from me and there was nothing I could do to get it back. I also had to leave for home earlier than expected and didn't get the chance to say goodbye too all of my friends because my grandfather died. I felt soo upset afterwards that I just gave up on everything and I got an incomplete for one of my classes, which is unusual for me because I am known as the girl who graduated 3rd in her class, was the first one in her family to go to college, and who always makes straight As.
(I fell like I'm kinda getting lost in my point by bringing up all my troubles). My point is that I've been "down" too and I never thought I could get back up. I still don't think I will ever be as I was before all of this, but that's the purpose of life - to go through difficult times and come out better on the other side.
My best advice: go outside and enjoy nature...
I went camping for a family reunion last week and it brought my spirits up a lot. I'm still struggling with things, but actually getting outside and doing something other than sleeping all day has made a HUGE difference in my life.
Also,don't lose contact with the ones you love(friends and family included). When I started talking to the friends that I was missing from college after a month of ignoring everybody, I felt a whole lot better. Keep in contact with the people who know you best and can cheer you up to your best You. Don't hole yourself up with all your troubles; they'll envelope you. Just talking to others about random things can remind you that there are other things out there that aren't the things that are stressing you out and this will take your mind off of it and give you a huge break. You were a genius to write this and express yourself to others.
I cannot stress enough to you how much better I felt after these simple things, I mean, you only know how bad it is from what I wrote in a small paragraph, but I'm sure you can tell I was/am not in a good place. Doing that just gave me hope. And it gave me the courage and strength to believe in myself.
THAT'S THE MOST IMPORTANT THING - TO BELIEVE IN YOURSELF. IF YOU DON'T LISTEN TO ANYTHING ELSE I SAY LISTEN TO THIS. And I hope that you can stay strong throughout everything you're going through.
I want you to know that all of your videos on YT really inspire me and are my source of release from the stress of the world around me. I really love your personality and the joy you exude. I hope you are doing well and I hope I had some good advice somewhere in here. I believe you can pull through. You don't have to be strong and flawless in the eyes of others all of the time, as long as you are just that to yourself; take a break and find that in yourself <3
Hi June, I'm a little late with this comment but hey here it goes. First off I adore your blog and I commend your bravery for coming out with your feelings. Its hard, no extremely hard to be so open with personal struggles esp when you feel like the magnifying glass is on you. I too have struggled with lonliness and lots of other personal issues over the years. Luckily I have overcome many of them but til this day I still struggle with my inner demons. Unlike you however, I wish not to discuss them. Maybe I'm not brave enough? I don't know, but when the time is right maybe I will who knows. Its July now so time has passed and I hope you made some progress, if not then I wish you the best regardless. You have an amazing blog, an amazing soul and you have something wonderful to offer to the world. Cheer up and let that beauty shine through like you always do!
ReplyDeleteLove,
Amber
xo
Keep them coming. Because I can relate to this now, and I could relate to this then. And yeah, it comes and goes in phases. And I think more people than you'd think can relate to these feelings. And oddly, when you find another person (or read about another person) feeling similar emotions, it makes you feel a little better. Like you're not alone.
ReplyDelete